Miss Macchiato

Over the last couple of weeks, the same theme has been recurring: I have a control issue. As in, I have a hard time relinquishing control.

I know. What a shock. Hope you were sitting down.

People always talk about giving God control of your life. Theories abound on what that means and how to practice it. Over the years, I’ve tossed and turned over my own philosophy on the matter and, unbeknownst to me until recently, I had settled on one. The philosophy was a statement made by a friend of my mother’s when I was a young teenager. I remember the discussion like it was yesterday. We were sitting in my parents’ living room, and she said to me, “It doesn’t matter what you do in life, because if God wants you to become something or to do something, it will happen. He’s God. It doesn’t matter what you do or don’t do.”

The reason it struck me so severely is because it filled me with despair. Though I can strongly argue against that statement, it stuck with me and became the foundation of nearly everything I did in life for the next 20 years.

Of course that philosophy is false. Moses didn’t want to go back to Egypt and confront the Pharaoh. According to scripture, he was afraid. So what happened? Did God turn Moses into an automaton and force him to go and carry out divine will? No! The God of all creation stood around arguing about it, listening to Moses’ many, many fears and responding to each one. After God provided answers and miraculous signs for all of Moses’ questions, Moses still begged to send someone else:

But Moses said, “O Lord, please send someone else to do it.” Then the Lord’s anger burned against Moses and he said, “What about your brother, Aaron the Levite? I know he can speak well. He is already on his way to meet you, and his heart will be glad when he sees you. You shall speak to him and put words in his mouth; I will help both of you speak and will teach you what to do. He will speak to the people for you, and it will be as if he were your mouth and as if you were God to him. But take this staff in your hand so you can perform miraculous signs with it.” Exodus 4:13 – 17

For some reason we hone in on the anger of God in this passage and minimize everything after it. Often, the lesson incorrectly taught here is that you shouldn’t make God angry. If God asks, be a good corporate citizen and do what you’re told! Forget your own feelings, slave – God has given you a directive!

But that’s not really what’s happening. Sure, God wants us to do what he asks, but he cares about our feelings, too. There’s a reason the Holy Spirit is also called “Helper” and not “Slave Driver”. Here’s the scenario: God’s the dad trying to get his kid on a bike for the first time. The kid is scared and doesn’t want to fall or lose control or get hurt. God gives the kid a helmet, pads, training wheels and, though it’s still super scary, God promises he’ll hold onto the bike and won’t let go. And it still just wasn’t enough for Moses.

“Can’t you get someone else to ride this bike, Dad?”

So God was frustrated – but he didn’t give up on Moses! As it turned out, Moses’ brother, Aaron, was already on the way, so God sent them both. Aaron drove the bike and Moses rode shotgun.

More importantly, Moses wasn’t forced to stay in the passenger seat after that, showing us that God’s desire and plans for Moses weren’t revoked, even though he was being a pain in the butt about trying out the new, shiny bike God picked up for him.

So back to the original topic of not giving God control of our lives. Does it matter? What does it mean to give God control of your life? What does that look like? Despite the illustration above, I still didn’t know. After all, He is God. If he wants something to happen, then he’s big enough to make it happen. He created spacetime, for crying out loud, so he should be able to do minor crap, too. It shouldn’t matter what I do, right?

And that’s what I was pondering… Until Tuesday.

On Tuesday morning, I was on my way to work, per usual. I got onto I-590. It has three lanes: The far right lane continues on 590 toward Buffalo. The middle lane splits and can either continue to Buffalo or become the onramp to I-490 east – which is what I need. The far left lane becomes the onramp to I-490 west. Traffic heading to Buffalo typically slows down the freeway, so anyone who needs 490 usually gets over into the far left lane to get around it and then, just as the road splits three ways, anyone needing the middle lane just gets over. And that’s what I did on Tuesday, just as I always did. I didn’t like the slow traffic heading to Buffalo, so I got over into the far left and went around the slow traffic. Eventually, I see the middle lane is speeding up earlier than usual. I’m in sight of the ramp to 490, so it’s pretty close anyway. I get over.

As soon as I do, red lights flared and traffic slowed way down. Screw that. I jumped back over into the far left lane and, as soon as I did, the lane I just got out of sped up. A lot. The three cars that were in front of me were all going straight, trapping me in the far left lane, heading east. I’m about to head in the opposite direction that I needed to go in. This had never happened to me before! I was shocked! I slowed down. I noticed an open spot for me to get over soon. Relief! I was ready to swerve over – but someone a few cars behind me was doing the same thing I was and got over into the middle lane, blocking me again.

I had to stop on the onramp.

I know. I couldn’t believe myself, either. Usually, in order to avoid an accident, I would have kept going and turned around at the next exit. In fact, I remember thinking how shocked I was at my own behavior! I don’t know what got into me! Cars behind me were piling up, flashing headlights, honking horns, and getting mad and I can’t say that I blamed them. Finally, a spot opened up and I got over.

After I merged onto 490 safely and quietly and in the direction I needed, it struck me: That little scene was a metaphor for my life. When I take control, thinking I have a faster or better means to an end, I get stuck and end up going in the wrong direction. That’s why God asks us to give him control.

So how do we do that? Often, we feel that we have to do something or, even more dangerous, stop doing everything. But that’s not how anything is done in the Kingdom of God. Not even salvation, the most important start of our lives, is accomplished by any physical act other than a word of acknowledgment: We pray. So, we simply say, “I don’t know how to give you control, but it’s yours, God.”

And now we have faith – not in our ability to follow Christ, but in his ability to lead us in the right direction on the roads of life.