Miss Macchiato

Warning: The contents of this post are a tad inappropriate. If you want to see the whole post, click on the (More) tab. I cut out the explicit bits however, the screenshots came from two horny 11-year olds who were trying to pretend they knew what to do with a naked woman. You have been warned.

In an earlier post, I mentioned that I’m back in World of Warcraft. My druid has been transferred to a new roleplaying server to be with Kerry, Jeff, Bob, and Mel, who have integrated themselves into a gigantic guild. Like a faithful lemming on a cliff, I’ve joined, too. I won’t give you the guild name, but I will say that it’s horde (of course) and has 5,000+ members.

Yeah. Needle in a haystack, man. I cope by setting up a separate window just to collect guild chat and announcements, and then I mostly ignore it. No, that’s not typically the way I like my guild participation to be, but for now it works.

For the most part, it’s the same kind of people on every other server. And, with a high-population server, first and second rate avatar names are already taken, so most people use what’s left.

Even if it was spelled correctly, what the crap is a CHASTITY HEART? A heart wrapped in gigantic, steel panties?

No, thanks. I’ll just stick with the generic one.

Life on a roleplaying server is a little weird. I didn’t really know what awaited me — a Tolkenesque world of imagination and adventure?

Nope.

I was really in the mood to play a noob toon (Mom: that’s slang for “brand new, low level character”), so I created a blood elf priest.

YEAH, I MADE PRETTY BLOOD ELF, YOU WANT TO MAKE SOMETHING OF IT? MY MAIN CHARACTERS ARE A GREEN ORC WITH UGLY HAIR AND A HUGE COW AND I WANTED SOMETHING A LITTLE DIFFERENT! Geez. It’s not like anyone creates these characters for moronic titillation.

Or maybe they do.

So I’m running around, minding my own business, when the general zone chat starts to act up. And when I say “act up” I mean “people acting retarded”. Or maybe I’m the one with the problem. Maybe I have an idea of how roleplaying should go in a video game, and these individuals were trying to expand my horizons.

But I doubt it.

So it starts out with these two not-really-roleplaying-retards, Angel and Shadowlands.

For some reason I thought we were angry, mean elves out for power and glory, and not channeling the world of Paula Deen.

I wasn’t the only one gagging at this. Enter Charmcaster.

Sorry, SPORT. This here’s some serious roleplaying and they’re about to jack up the action!

You know I have to get in on this.

I’d also like to know what the hell a TEGUILA is, but some things just aren’t meant to be!

And he did go away… for about 30 seconds. Apparently, his barfy affection for Angel couldn’t keep a roleplaying Rico Suave like him away for long, and he came right back — but that conversation was really boring and my interest waned for a bit.

Angel was nice enough to take a poll to make it easier for the zone noobs to hook up. Or something. I’m not sure what the point of that was and, judging by the looks of things, no one else did, either.

I didn’t think anyone was taking the conversation seriously anymore, and that was fine because I was just happy it was over. Or so I thought.

I leveled up and needed some spells, so I wandered into the inn where my trainer was stationed. As soon as I got to the front door of the inn, the chat spam starts filling up my window. Only it’s not being relayed over general chat, it’s happening upstairs in the inn, in an upstairs bedroom, right next to the NPC I need.

And here’s the level of genius we are now dealing with:

Because pr0n is real!

I run upstairs to my trainer and see two male toons and one female toon in there, sitting on random beds. And just as I’m wondering how old these kids actually are, I see this:

You think? Better wait for the engraved invitation. Do you know the secret handshake, because you’re going to need that, too.

The best part is that the female character was Charmcaster, the individual who was blasting our fabulous roleplaying duo earlier in the evening. I decide to stick around to hear what happened. It turns out I had just shown up for the casting couch portion, and Charmcaster (who I’m pretty sure is actually a dude IRL) was being asked about the size of her/his assets.

I can only guess that the two boys who were trying to roleplay/cyber Charmcaster were around the age of 11. I probably should have shouted out that my bra was a size “R”. They probably would have believed me.

And then for some reason it got really explicit to the point where I was uncomfortable, so I’m not going to post that stuff. But here’s some of the funny bits. You should be able to guess what the overall conversation was about. Or maybe not. I don’t think THEY knew what the conversation was about, to be honest.

Dude! It’s like FLEM! 4srs! Or maybe you’re retarded virgins who are so young, I might get arrested just for listening to this garbage.

I don’t know, man. Is that going to be enough?

I kept saying I was going to log out because I couldn’t stomach much more, but then the conversation started to get good. And by good, I mean ridiculous. And then Bob had a great suggestion for me — create a little ambiance!

Unfortunately they weren’t amused when they heard my contribution to the affair, because Charmcaster ran away, right past me, without any clothes on, and out of the inn.

And the red, shouting chat-spam began as our young perverts chased Charmcaster across the zone. My work was done at that point and I logged out for the night.

The end.