Coffee Nazi

This morning, I woke up on time but got out of bed late. Story of my life. Before I left the house, there was no time to make coffee, and that’s fine because I can grab a cup of Java City’s daily flavor downstairs in the cafeteria. No problem.

I get down to the cafeteria around 8:30. The pot of flavored coffee is empty, but someone is making a new pot in the industrial-sized coffee maker. While I wait, I mosey on over to the grill and shoot the breeze with Allen while he makes me some eggs. By the time my eggs and toast are done, I head back over to the coffee maker. A woman is standing in front of it, coffee cup in hand, guarding it with her very life.

Sidling up alongside this tall blonde like a drunk in a bar, I say, “Excuse me. Mind if I grab a cup?” My hands reach out and I grab one paper cup, one lid, and one paper band thingy that you use so your fingers don’t get burned. She looks at me, still hovering before the coffee pot, and says, “Okay, but it’s not done yet. You’re going to have to wait!” I assumed she was kidding so I laugh and say, “It’s ok, I can wait,” and wait off to the side by the fruit and granola bar.

Once the coffee pot was two-thirds through brewing, I decide that it’s ready for a cup. Besides, I like strong coffee. I walk back over to the coffee pot and say to the woman, “It’s two-thirds of the way through, which is good enough for me. If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to grab a cup.”

She refuses to move, but what the hell, this is New York. Everyone here is rude. I stick my coffee cup under the spout and my other hand reaches out to grab the nozzle –

My coffee cup is promptly knocked out of the way with hers and she says to me, “I’m first!”

I start to laugh. “Okay,” I said, then stared at her, waiting for her to pour a cup.

She doesn’t. Instead, she gets this very serious look on her face and says, “You have to wait for the entire pot to fill up, or you’re going to mess it up.”

I laugh again and then say, “It’s not going to mess up the pot. It’s fine. I’m going to get a cup now.”

Again, my cup goes under the spout. Again, she knocks my cup out of the way with hers.

“They said we should wait until it’s done or we’re going to mess up the entire pot!” She exclaims.

Now I’m irritated, but at the same time I am so bemused at this that I’m unable to make a real witty retort. I can also tell that I’m starting to get “that look” on my face. It’s not a good one. She took a startled step back and I said quite calmly, “I’m going to get a cup of coffee now.”

“Oh,” is all she said, and silently filled her cup after I was done.

I tried getting a look at her employee badge, but it was flipped around so I couldn’t get her name. You know I’m going to be down in the cafeteria every morning looking for the Coffee Nazi.